Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

View this video blog: Memory Loss and Aging Parents

When one parent is exhibiting signs of memory loss the other parent can often cover up for the spouse who is losing the ability to care for themselves.   Adult children are often surprised when they hear about a diagnosis they never saw, sometimes because of denial and at other times because the well parent was doing such a good job of making excuses or covering for the ill parent. 

Often this is because of the well parent’s denial and fear of facing the truth of the pending loss.  Other times both parents might be experiencing a dementia and they need each other to maintain their independence.  It is fascinating for me as a professional, to see how we humans struggle to stay independent for fear of losing control.  Are we not really all interdependent?  Don’t we depend on others to produce our food, manufacture our clothing, build structures, secure our financial resources etc?  Would it not be a better world if we were all much more comfortable with the phrase “inter-dependence” instead of struggling to hold onto “independence” even to our own detriment?

Often adult children have a difficult time seeing the dementia for some of the same fears around loss and grief.  It is not easy to experience the loss of a parent in a way that robs them of self and leaves an empty shell of what was a beloved, intelligent being.  Rest assured that love can be experienced and expressed into the later stages of dementia and we can all learn the importance of just being in the moment – because truly that is all there really is.

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

View the video blog: Guilt and Parent Caregiving

Recently in talking with a caregiver who takes care of her mother, father and mother-in-law, the ever present “guilt work” came into the conversation.

“Why”, said the daughter, “do I never feel like I do enough or do the right thing”?  Well, it is more complicated than this simple answer but, the answer is, you just can’t fix it! 

The majority of us have a tendency to want to make something or someone better, to make those who are hurting or suffering from progressive illness, like a dementia, fell better or be less anxious.  A parent can have an uncanny way of making us feel like we didn’t stay long enough or get just the right fix to whatever the problem was that engaged us in the interaction.  This is often not so much because you have a controlling parent but because of the parent’s anxiety, fear or loneliness.

It is hard to know what the pull is but, if you leave feeling guilty it is often because you can’t truly make the internal feeling that they have go away, no matter what your skills, education, experience or love are.  Those who are successful at balancing caregiving with self-care know they can’t fix all problems.  What you can do is be “present” when you are with your parent.  Express your love and admit you don’t have all the answers.  Do your best knowing you can’t fix everything!

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Do you allow Mom to smoke, despite her dementia and living alone in a senior apartment complex?   Do you respect your Dad’s right and autonomy despite his 90+ years of life?  With poor vision and beginning forgetfulness, do you allow him to drive across the state to see an old friend who is ill?

Adult children of aging parents face many challenges when concerns of safety conflict with the elder’s choices that relate to independence. At other times, adult children face “resistance” to their well meaning rationalization to the elder family member on why a different choice should be made.

In the first story above, the daughter decided, after attending a support group for adults of aging parents, to tell the property manager who then gave the mother an eviction notice.  Daughter colluded with mother and helped her find an assisted living facility that would manage the smoking and the cigarettes as part of the “rules or laws” of that new community.  Mother adjusted and daughter wasn’t the bad guy; the apartment manager was.  Mom didn’t know it was her daughter who brought this danger to the attention of the manager.

In the second story the son decided to take some time off work and told Dad he would love to drive with him and in fact they could take the son’s newer car (knowing Dad would not want to drive it).

In both stories, dignity and respect were honored and the bad choice was made manageable and without unnecessary drama.

These are examples of some creative family problem solving that respected the elder’s desires and kept them out of harms way.  It is not always easy to do this.  If you are facing one such dilemma, you might want to attend a support group for adults concerned about aging parents or schedule a consultation to talk with a professional Geriatric Care Manager who can help you with specific, creative interventions.

Professional Geriatric Care Manager Supervisor Eileen Zagelow, BA, CMC

It is hard, as adult children, to know – Is my Mother tired? Or, is she depressed? Or, is she just not feeling well in general?

Viewing our parents objectively is challenging.  Parents often shield their children from negative thoughts, feelings, depression or discomfort. 

In addition, hearing is often diminished and being in a busy environment can leave a person feeling “left out” or exhausted trying to take it all in. The spiral continues because as the older adult becomes more fatigued they are less able to assimilate stimulating surroundings. And on it goes!

With all we have to take care of as adult children, it is sometimes hard to remember that listening to what the older adult in our life is saying to us, both verbally and somatically, is key. Although a person may have loved large parties with lots of activity over the years, it is now helpful to watch for signs of weariness.  A fixed gaze, slow responses and heavy eyelids are some of those indicators.  

Social activities can be tiring for all of us! Seniors will sometimes decline invitations because they know they will “wear out” and have to be driven home early, thereby interrupting someone else’s festivities.   Having a plan can help with this.  Perhaps pick Mom up ½ hour before dinner with a plan for a 2-hour visit.  Let her know that her ride is all set in both directions! 

This provides an opportunity to make the most of the moments you share with the person you care for and focusing more on quality of time than quantity!

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

I just came across a great article by Jonathan Rauch, published in the April issue of The Atlantic Magazine.  Mr. Rauch talks about his process of deciding when to move his very independent father closer to his home in Washington DC from Phoenix and his experience with doing so.  

In his anecdote, he reveals many common traits of a parent resisting  dependence on his or her child and the dismissal of the fact that their health may be deterioating.   I thought that many of you might be able to relate to this story and find comfort in the fact that there are so many of us in America dealing with aging parents.  Enjoy! 

Click on the link below to view article: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/03/letting-go-of-my-father/8001/1/?

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

“Clean out a room, change your schedule and your social life- Mom is moving in.” 

 Your mother has had a change of status and can no longer live alone. You think it is best that she move in with you because you just retired and have the time to care for her.

 The desire and the passion to care for those we love sometimes pulls us to make decisions that can have a negative outcome to us and to our aging parent.

 Before you decide to have a senior family member move in to your home, there are many facets to consider and organizations that can assist with the process.  Do your homework, look at all the pros and cons before changing all of your lives.  Is the decision going to add to the quality of life for all involved?  Will it distract from what gives your life meaning or that of your parent?

 Eldercare has a checklist of important items to think about before making such a decision.  It you would like this checklist, send us your name and address and we will mail it out to you.

Intergenerational families can live together successfully but all parties must have their needs met and find peace in the arrangement.   However, sometimes families just haven’t explored all the options first and make this decision without knowledge of our supportive services.

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

It has been my honor, over the past 25 years, to help people make hard decisions such as giving up a home of 50 years for a retirement community or a downsized condo.  One comes to this decision from various paths; economic reasons, health concerns, loss of spouse or wanting to relocate near adult children.  Sometimes, just because home maintenance is too much and the senior wants to travel or have less of the “have to do” chores in their life.

 What I do know is that people who are socially engaged live longer and happier lives according to research.  That individuals who have purpose and meaning in their lives are healthier than their peers without purpose.  I also know that people who have had major losses through death of spouses or friends that continue to have meaningful lives live longer as well.

 So, if you or someone you love is facing this dilemma you should consider having at least one hour with a Professional Geriatric Care Manager who can help you with your list of pros and cons before making a major move.  It is often beneficial for the elder to have this conversation with an objective professional; so the end result is your decision and not influenced by family members’ or friend’s value systems. 

 More and more Baby Boomers are thinking long range and looking at options early in their “autumn” years.  Better to be prepared than have to make decisions in a crisis.

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

When one parent is exhibiting signs of memory loss the other parent can often cover up for the spouse who is losing the ability to care for themselves.   Adult children are often surprised when they hear about a diagnosis they never saw, sometimes because of denial and at other times because the well parent was doing such a good job of making excuses or covering for the ill parent. 

 Often this is because of the well parent’s denial and fear of facing the truth of the pending loss.  Other times both parents might be experiencing a dementia and they need each other to maintain their independence.  It is fascinating for me as a professional, to see how we humans struggle to stay independent for fear of losing control.  Are we not really all interdependent?  Don’t we depend on others to produce our food, manufacture our clothing, build structures, secure our financial resources etc?  Would it not be a better world if we were all much more comfortable with the phrase “inter-dependence” instead of struggling to hold onto “independence” even to our own detriment?

 Often adult children have a difficult time seeing the dementia for some of the same fears around loss and grief.  It is not easy to experience the loss of a parent in a way that robs them of self and leaves an empty shell of what was a beloved, intelligent being.  Rest assured that love can be experienced and expressed into the later stages of dementia and we can all learn the importance of just being in the moment – because truly that is all there really is.