Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

View this video blog: Memory Loss and Aging Parents

When one parent is exhibiting signs of memory loss the other parent can often cover up for the spouse who is losing the ability to care for themselves.   Adult children are often surprised when they hear about a diagnosis they never saw, sometimes because of denial and at other times because the well parent was doing such a good job of making excuses or covering for the ill parent. 

Often this is because of the well parent’s denial and fear of facing the truth of the pending loss.  Other times both parents might be experiencing a dementia and they need each other to maintain their independence.  It is fascinating for me as a professional, to see how we humans struggle to stay independent for fear of losing control.  Are we not really all interdependent?  Don’t we depend on others to produce our food, manufacture our clothing, build structures, secure our financial resources etc?  Would it not be a better world if we were all much more comfortable with the phrase “inter-dependence” instead of struggling to hold onto “independence” even to our own detriment?

Often adult children have a difficult time seeing the dementia for some of the same fears around loss and grief.  It is not easy to experience the loss of a parent in a way that robs them of self and leaves an empty shell of what was a beloved, intelligent being.  Rest assured that love can be experienced and expressed into the later stages of dementia and we can all learn the importance of just being in the moment – because truly that is all there really is.

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Dr. Dennis McCullough has written a book on Embracing “Slow Medicine,” The Compassionate Approach to Caring for Your Aging Loved Ones called “My Mother Your Mother”. 

Dr. McCullough’s approach is a gentle, kind common sense approach to extending medical care to the very frail elderly.   He calls for a movement in “attending” to seniors changing needs and not waiting for a crisis that can force extreme medical interventions.

In a nutshell, he is talking about quality of life during the final years. This is a book worth reading if you work in the field of geriatric medicine; eldercare or you are caring for a senior family member.

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

When you are leaving a telephone message for a senior, remember to speak “slowly and distinctly” (those are actually words from my 88 year old mother’s answering machine).   Those who have trouble hearing might need you to say your name and phone number slowly at the beginning of the message and then, after you have left a message, repeat your name and number again.

Recently, I had to listen to a message at least 6 times from a client before I fully understood the name and the number they left for a return call.  This could have been a confirmation for a surgery or medical appointment – so go slow when leaving messages.

Actually, this isn’t bad advice for all of us in message leaving.  But, it is especially challenging for seniors who can’t hear well and then become anxious over the inability to hear instructions, names, or a call back number.

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

We have a tendency to lump age groups together.  We name groups “toddlers” or “teens”, which make common sense. Some individuals in our society who are over the age of 55 are annoyed if you call them senior or elder.

I remember leaving a shopping trip at a local store thinking that they didn’t charge me the tax on what I purchased.  Once I got home, I looked at my receipt and realized they had given me a senior discount (which started at 55 years of age). I was offended because, number one, I was 54 and two, the 20-something clerk didn’t even ask me if I was a senior – he just assumed I was “old” enough.  You would think I should be happy I got the discount but I was taken aback by this person thinking I was a “senior” and that I looked “old”! 

In looking back on this episode, I realized that it was more the vanity than the title “senior” that offended me.  But, I know many people who are beautiful at 80 or 90 or 100 – so what was it?   Perhaps just a passage that I was not quite prepared for at that moment in time.  It might have been a bad hair day as well – if you know what I mean!

We named our business “Eldercare” because I like the word “elder”.  I think of the esteem that elders hold in native cultures around the world.  I am reminded of the statesmen that have reached the highest level in their tenure.  The church I belong to addresses the leaders on the board as “Elders”.   So to me, this is a term of respect and earned leadership – even if only by age.

Will the baby boomers coin another term for their later years?  Are they going to welcome the discounts that can come with a certain age or will they deny them in vanity?   What do you want to be called: a senior, an older adult or an elder?

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Our business is helping families with the challenging issues of aging.  Sometimes it is getting siblings to agree on a decision of what is best for mom. Other times it is helping a family get the diagnosis they need so they can plan for the future or take control from someone who is impaired cognitively and at risk for self-abuse or exploitation.

All of a sudden, as an employer, I looked in the mirror and found that out of 43 professional and support staff, I had 8 (almost 20%) of our employees in the depths of “eldercare” experiencing all those dilemmas that our clients families deal with every day.  I myself have an 88-year old mother that lives alone and at any juncture, I could be in the same place as my staff.  Actually, when the phone rings late at night, I always hold my breath thinking it could be Mom in a health care crisis.

When I realized this and looked at the time these individuals were putting into the caregiving role, I decided we needed to do something. I asked one of our licensed social workers/geriatric care managers to lead a brown bag lunch support group – at least once a month.  How easy it is to offer this support to employees, as any employer could hire a professional geriatric care manager to lead these groups at very little cost to the company – but great relief to the stressed employee who sometimes doesn’t know where to turn.

When you realize you are not alone, when you realize creativity is needed in caregiving and when you know how to advocate for your loved one, you are in a better place to care for yourself.

Ask your employer to secure a support group at work because, I bet, most places of employment have 12-15% of their staff in elder caregiving roles that could be affecting their employer’s productivity.

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

When your parent is ready to be discharged from a hospital, short-term help could prevent him or her from being readmitted. About 1 in 5 Medicare patients is re-admitted within 30 days according to the New England Journal of Medicine. Often discharge instructions are not understood, medications are changed (but no one cleans out the medicine cabinet at home) and sometimes follow-up appointments with primary care doctors don’t get scheduled.

Be pro-active when parents are hospitalized, even with those who are fiercely independent. Most of us at any age are somewhat off balance after an illness in more ways than one . However, our aging family members have even more difficulty regaining strength due to the aging process. Try to convince your parent to agree to even a few hours a day of caregiving support after any hospitalization. Reminding the elder of new routines (part of the discharge plan), new medications and even new diets can be the difference between health and a re-admission.

Eldercare Services’ Geriatric Care Managers coordinate discharges in a personal client-centered way that can result in increased health and independence. Short-time help for long-term wellness.

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