Anne Rosenthal, Ph.D., MFT, CMC

We all want to live life fully for as long as possible.  Those who live to be 100 years and beyond—centenarians– are an interesting segment of the population to study since they may provide clues as to how this may be achieved.

One of the common character traits of centenarians is the ability to remain connected to meaningful relationships.  Here are some tips to help you create and sustain positive connections in your life:

¨      Be kind. You do not need to know what burdens others are carrying to know that they are heavy.

¨      No matter how great the faults of another person, strive to be aware also of his or her good qualities.  Know that there is something worthy of commendation in almost everyone, even though it may lie dormant and as yet undiscovered.

¨      Make time for hearing your loved ones’ struggles and challenges. When a friend speaks, listen with your heart rather than your judgment.  You may not be able to take away another’s pain, but you can hear it.  Afterward, write them a card or bring them a flower to acknowledge and thank them for entrusting you with their vulnerability as well as their strength.

¨      If you are dealing with an illness or personal struggle that may be shared by others, join a support group where you can meet regularly to talk about your challenges, fears, hopes and dreams among others who will understand.

¨      Recall someone who helped you when you needed it.  Write or tell him/her of your appreciation.  Recognize someone in your extended family or community who has provided outstanding service.  Make a certificate or plaque they can put on their wall, or send a note with flowers or food.

¨      For emotionally significant communications, don’t use e-mail.  Meet in person, talk on the phone, or write letters that you can mail or hand-deliver.  People love getting letters.  It can be rare to get anything special in the mail anymore.

¨      Read selections from your favorite books to your family and friends.  Give away copies of your favorite books.  Tell others what these books have meant to you.

¨      If you want to change the way you feel about someone, change the way you treat them.

¨      Step back every now and then and take an objective look at your own behavior.  If someone important to you is being defensive, ask whether you are doing anything to make them so.

¨      Nurture the friendships with which you feel at ease.  Move on from those that take enormous energy and stress to maintain.

¨      Read a story to an elder who can no longer see fine print.  Record your reading on tape so they can play it back and listen whenever they wish. 

¨      Learn from people who are different from you.  Greet them with true curiosity, knowing that you can stay true to yourself no matter what the difference.  Do not let differences of opinion become causes of estrangement.

Remember that love is necessary for great relationships, but it is not sufficient.  Great relationships don’t just happen because you’re in love.  They take work, and lots of it.

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

An individual with a dementia can be easily overwhelmed by all of the activities of holiday celebrations and become overly anxious, depressed or more confused.

 Most individuals with dementia do relatively well with set routines and naturally pull back from extra activities that might tax their memory or set them up for failure.  Sometimes a refusal of an invitation that was previously enjoyed can be an early “red flag” for families that something is changing in their elder family member’s cognition.

 A few tips to keep the holidays enjoyable:

 1) Set up one holiday decoration in your family member’s home as a family activity.  Don’t mention that you are doing it because he or she can’t.

2) Tell him or her not to worry about gifts, you will assist them in finding gift cards – give an excuse that the kids like to shop for themselves or it is so challenging to find the right sizes.   Help him or her sign cards and stuff the gift cards into them. Do some of your cards at the same time.

3) Family gatherings can overwhelm and loud noise can increase agitation and anxiety.   So, if you are bringing mom or dad over for a holiday meal – pick them up just before and return him or her right after dessert.  However, if he or she is enjoying the company of little ones, play it by observation – the key is be aware of their behavior.

4) Your holiday gifts might include a phone that is easy to use, sweatsuits that are easy to dress in, and maybe a “housekeeper” once a week that really is a caregiver that can expand her time to do more as mom or dad needs more help.

5) Reduce alcohol use or eliminate it from your celebrations – alcohol only complicates and endangers those with dementias.

6) Try to reduce the sugar laden treats as well – it is easy to be over expose to the treats of the season.  Have lots of fresh fruits available.

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Often those with dementia are excluded from social events because they become confused or anxious when they no longer can track conversations or follow directions for games such as Bridge.

I am often asked, “What can I do with my friend who has memory loss or dementia?”. A few simple ideas:Invite them to lunch but don’t confuse them with a menu just say, “let’s go get some spaghetti and meatballs” and you do the ordering. When you eliminate the overwhelming options you are more likely to get a “yes” to your invitation and reduce the anxiety that menus or choosing a restaurant present.When you get to the restaurant just say to the waiter, “We want the spaghetti and meat balls- no need for a menu.”

Another idea is to ask the person to take a walk with you and just stay present on the surroundings; focus on the flora and/or wildlife.No need to remember, you just need to feel the day.It is surprising how many people with dementia and/or memory loss can’t remember the outing but their family will report how relaxed they were when they had the experience of just enjoying the moment.This is a gift those with dementia give us – the moment.