By Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC
In our society, we often move from the area where we grew up and away from our parents. This change can present more dilemmas for adult children as their parents become more dependent or resistant to assistance.
Many families travel to spend holidays or vacations together, but as parents age, they often avoid travel and as adult children become more involved in their own careers or their children’s lives, visits are less frequent. This presents another problem, which is observing small changes before they become a crisis.
Caring for an aging parent is challenging enough when you are local, but becomes a greater stressor when you are at a distance, and that often leads to feelings of guilt or helplessness.
In support groups, we often hear from families concerned because of the changes they see when visiting their parents. There can be a reluctance to hire help or to share the truth of their health or finances with their children. Reluctance to share is not to be confused with hiding the truth, but more of a feeling of not wanting to burden their children because they know how busy their lives are. At other times, parents fear they are losing control and faced with an over-active adult child who wants to become the CEO of their lives.
This reluctance is more evident in couples that see it as their duty and responsibility to care for a spouse, even though they are exhausted and often suffering from health or stress-related illnesses themselves. Depression is present in many caregiving spouses, and at the very least, needs to be treated.
What can the adult child at a distance do?
I have listed some ideas to make your visits productive as well as added some resources to help when you can’t be there at the drop of a hat.
- Have a family meeting before a crisis… when your parents are well. I call this a meeting to prepare for the “What Ifs of a Longer Life”. Be sure to include all the siblings as well as your parents.
- Hire a Professional Care Manager/Aging Life Care Expert (TM) to be your eyes and ears to oversee and advocate during any crisis. The Village Plan (TM) (www.VillagePlan.com
) can give you 30 minutes of free consultation with a professional and then arrange for a local Care Manager to be the professional in your back pocket for those emergencies that come up in the middle of the night or during an important life event. - Gather information: Names and numbers of medical providers; an updated list of medications, and copies of all legal documents – especially the Advanced Health Care Directives. Do you have access to monies? Could you pay the bills if you needed to? Be sure to have the names of close friends and neighbors and make sure they have your contacts as well.
If you are working with a Care Manager, find a local support group you can attend (you are always welcome to the Eldercare Support Group in the SF East Bay). These groups give you lots of support and ideas and are most often free of fees.
Caring for an aging parent, or both parents, from a distance can become a constant stressor if you don’t have a plan for that “What If”! Once you have the information you need and an experienced professional who becomes your “quarterback” – when that call comes you can throw the ball to the Care Manager to assess the situation. They will get back to you if you truly need to come or if the situation can be handled without you having to travel a great distance.