Aging Families: Dilemmas, Concerns and Solutions

Working adults in the “autumn” of their careers find that they are juggling work and aging family dilemmas — causing loss of pay or employer dissatisfaction with their performance or absence. Baby Boomers facing retirement also face the realities of still having to care for parents or other older relatives — this “care” duty can detour their dreams of the envisioned “retirement”.

Linda will talk about major issues facing families locally or at a distance. She will give Rotarians a list of resources to help them navigate the maze of resources available in order to find help that will respect the dignity of the elder and bring peace to the adult child. Linda will also talk about the realities of living longer lives and statistics that will affect all of us as we age.

Linda Fodrini-Johnson is a Licensed Family Therapist and a certified, Professional Care Manager. She founded Eldercare Services in 1989 — the first full service Geriatric Care Management and Home Care company in the East Bay. She has been guiding, coaching and counseling families in the Bay Area for 30 years. Linda is the recent past President of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers (NAPGCM).

Pickled Grapes – A Lesson in “Being in the Moment”

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Visiting a small group home this past weekend, I arrived when three seniors were just finishing their lunch meal, so I joined the conversation. The first one (a new resident) asked me if this was a “boarding house” and I answered in the affirmative about everyone having their own rooms. One of the ladies answered, “They give us good food, too.” The conversation then went to their memories not being as good as they used to be, but it really didn’t matter now.

The oldest, age 95, asked the youngest, 85, how old she is and the 85 year old, a retired teacher and graduate of a very prestigious university, asked the staff for paperwork that would show her age; she was pleased and surprised to know that she is 85. She was neither embarrassed about having to ask nor did any of the residents question her for not knowing her age.

Somehow the conversation went to growing up on a California ranch. The 95 year old asked the 85 year old what they grew on the ranch and the answer was horses and grapes. She was then asked if she raced horses and she answered, “No” she just rode them, but not in “shows.”

A few minutes later this fractured, yet serious conversation, focused on those grapes, with the eldest asking, what color the grapes were, “Purple, burgundy?” “No”, the 85 year old answered, “Just plain grapes that were tied to wires.” She continued and said that when the grapes were ready to be picked, men would come pick them, put them in a big pot, add sugar and we would have “pickled grapes”.

I joined in some of the conversation and could not keep from smiling and being pleased that they were able to have a

Pickled Grapes

Pickled Grapes

conversation, despite the memory deficits and/or dementia. Even though at times the conversation was disjointed, and sometimes they were not able to find the “correct words,” they were all very respectful, yet curious, with all of them willing to ask questions without questioning the answer. It was actually very uplifting and I was honored with the spirit, authenticity and just being in the moment with this trio of souls.

Being in the moment for the sake of the moment is just something we don’t take the time to do as often as we should. We all get caught up in the “to do” lists of our lives.

Have a glass of “pickled grapes” and savor the moment.

Creative Ways to Turn Resistance of Daily Activities into Cooperation

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Those of us caring for an aging loved one know about resistance all too well. Sometimes it is beyond reasoning and begging to get our loved one to perform the simplest of daily tasks. I’d like to offer a couple of tips I’ve learned over the years to entice your resistant loved one in a positive way.

The perfect time to introduce the event you will need cooperation with, is when someone is in a good mood. We need to use creative ways to entice as well as introduce the action we believe needs to be done.

If you want someone to brush their teeth and they resist you, tell them it is time – it might be the time to bring flowers or a new picture into the bathroom and tell your loved one you want their opinion on it. While there, you put the toothpaste on the brush and say “Since we’re in here, let’s brush our teeth now, so we don’t have to do it later.”

You could almost do the same with bath time – sometimes having a scented candle (of course safely placed and extinguished when you are done) or soothing music playing in the bathroom is another way to get the job done.

Professional Care Managers are a great resource of coming up with creative solutions to problems of resistance. Contact our office to get a creative solution to your specific challenge.

My Mom Has Memory Loss: How Long Will It Take Her To Adjust To A Move?

Eileen Zagelow, BA, CMC | Professional Geriatric Care Manager/Director of Care Management Services

There are many aspects to consider when we think about moving a parent or other loved one from their current home to an assisted facility. The family is often immersed in an entirely new world filled with new terms, financial contracts and “levels of care”. As advocates, we do our best to find the best fit at the right price. We worry about moving day, what to move and how to orchestrate the day.

The next dilemma, that often arises, is that Mom is unhappy and asking to go home. How long will it take for her to adjust? It has already been 2 weeks!

When we are supporting someone with memory issues, we learn that time takes on a new meaning. It becomes a vague expandable context for change. One thing I always suggest to families is that they practice patience and think about how they feel when they are contemplating a move for themselves. There is the anticipation, planning, anxiety – what if there are obstacles to running smoothly?? What if the kids don’t like the new house – lots of what ifs! Then there is the actuality of the move – OK, so here I am – where is the grocery store, the book store, the pharmacy – all of the things I need? I don’t know anyone. All of these feelings bubble up, even though you chose this move, planned this move and executed this move!

A person with memory loss often should not be intimately involved in the planning and execution. Mom may not be involved in the move and may or may not remember if she was. It often feels as though Mom has been transplanted to a very attractive place where the people seem nice, but thinks, heavens – why am I here? Who are these people in the hall? – I don’t know anyone. Where is my favorite coffee cup, my toaster – my dog? I don’t like this and I don’t think I will.

The solution takes time, reassurance and lots of support to integrate Mom into her new life. As a Care Manager, I usually recommend that a caregiver come a few days a week for just a few hours and help the person find her way into her new world. For a while, your loved one will be straddling a divide between old and new. Whereas we “well” people feel more comfortable negotiating our way through new routines and new friendships, they often need help in getting to that phase. In addition, because there is a memory or cognitive problem, the progress is often much slower, occurring in that vague context of time.

It can take a person with memory issues 3 to 6 months to adjust to a move. In the meanwhile we build a safe container around our loved one to soften the adjustments and reframe them as we go. Geriatric Care Managers are very skilled at supporting loved ones and family members in this very delicate journey.

Is Mom’s Home Making Her Alzheimer’s Worse?

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Many individuals experience great anxiety when they see items in a home that they once used and operated but no longer can due to the advancing ravages of a progressive dementia.

Most families and professionals feel home is the greatest place of comfort – and for many that is true.  In fact, for some individuals with a dementia, a trip away from the home causes great anxiety and challenging behaviors.

However, it has been my experience with some individuals who see a bank statement or a cooking utensil, that they once used but now don’t know what to do with that item, become very anxious.   Sometimes they can become angry thinking someone or something made the items not usable and this anger gets projected on the spouse or family caregiver.  This is because they are constantly reminded by the familiar of what they can’t do and that causes great frustration.

Those individuals, who experienced a high level of anxiety and frustration in the home, often settle down in a “dementia designed” care facility.   This is because they are not presented with any activity or request that reminds them of what they once did.

One of my clients became extremely angry whenever she saw her husband start to cook (in 60 years he had never boiled water).  She would yell at him to leave the kitchen – yet not be able to make a meal.  He learned to gently get her in the den with a cup of tea and then he would quickly prepare a frozen meal, put it on the table and tell her the dinner she made was done.  This worked for him, but for others it might not.

The environment can be the problem, as can be our communication style.  Learning new tools to live each day with a family member with a dementia, such as Alzheimer’s, is critically important to preventing caregiver burn out.

If you are unsure of what is best for your parent find a Professional Geriatric Care Manager to give you an objective assessment of what would be best for all family members based on values as well as needs.

Board & Cares: An Option to Consider When Placing Loved Ones

Certified, Professional Care Manager John Doxey, MA, CMC

When families conclude that it’s no longer safe or feasible for an elderly relative to remain in his or her own home and the search begins for long-term care facilities, the first thought that comes to mind for most people is “assisted living.” And when thinking of assisted living, the image that pops to mind most often is a large, hotel-like facility with multiple dining rooms, an upscale ambience and a robust activity program.

But there is another, often overlooked type of assisted living facility, commonly known as “board and care,” that can be a good option for older adults needing residential care, particularly those with dementia or complicated medical conditions that require regular monitoring.

Board and cares are smaller-scale facilities, often converted family homes tucked into residential neighborhoods, and most are licensed to provide care to between four and six residents. Unlike the larger assisted living communities, which are often owned by regional and national chains like Aegis and Sunrise, board and care homes are typically owned and operated by individuals or families.

Although they aren’t as widely known as their larger-scale cousins, board and cares have been around for decades. And more people than you may think live in board and cares: about one-third of all American assisted living residents live in facilities with fewer than 16 residents, according to the National Council on Assisted Living.

Like other assisted living facilities, board and cares help residents with activities of daily living such as bathing, eating, dressing and using the bathroom. Live-in staff also provide meals, activities, transportation to appointments, medications management and other services. Most board and cares are licensed and equipped to accept non-ambulatory residents, most can accept “wanderers” as long as there are alarms on the doors, and many have waivers that allow them to accept residents with dementia and hospice care.

One major advantage of board and cares is their high staff-to-resident ratio – usually two staff members for every six residents. In comparison, standard assisted living facilities, which often have more than 100 apartments, typically have about one staff member for every eight residents during daytime hours and as few as two staff members for every 100 residents at night, although staff ratios are higher on floors with higher-acuity residents.

The higher staff ratio allows staff to get to know residents more intimately and to keep a closer eye on their habits and routines, such as whether they are eating less or sleeping more than usual. The higher ratio gives staff more time to help residents with high levels of physical or cognitive care needs, including those with moderate to advanced dementia, Parkinson’s disease, incontinence and problem behaviors like resisting care.

Their smaller scale and home-like environment can also make board and cares a more comfortable place for people with dementia, who may become confused or over-stimulated in facilities with long halls, large dining rooms, and lots of staff and residents.

Another reason to consider board and cares is their cost. While basic fees at larger, upscale assisted living facilities average around $2,500 to $5,000 per month for a studio apartment in areas like Walnut Creek, Lafayette and Moraga, basic fees at board and cares in the same areas range from about $3,000 to $4,500 per month for a private room. And unlike most assisted living facilities, board and cares typically do not charge extra for medication reminders or use tiered pricing that raises monthly fees as residents’ care needs increase. Long-term care insurance and other types of assistance programs may help people pay for board and cares, which is also the case with standard assisted living.

Naturally, board and cares are not the right fit for everyone. Older adults seeking a higher level of social interaction and a wider variety of stimulating activities, and those who are more independent and need less care, may find a better fit in larger assisted living buildings. Board and cares generally offer fewer activities and residents often spend a lot of time watching TV.

Some families may also feel more comfortable moving their loved ones into larger assisted living buildings because they are a more familiar commodity, with a standardization enforced by national and regional chains. There is greater variation among board and care homes, and therefore a greater need for due diligence by family members both before and after a loved one moves in.

In addition, some people may be turned off by the home-like atmosphere at many board and cares. The daughter of one of my clients told me she wouldn’t consider moving her father into a board and care because it felt too much like their family’s home and that her father would prefer a more upscale and more institutional environment.

So…different strokes for different folks. But board and care homes are often an option worth considering.

Not Correcting Those With Dementia…

Professional Geriatric Care Manager Supervisor Eileen Zagelow, BA, CMC

…unless it is necessary. When asked if she tasted the ribs at a recent bar-b-que my mother said, “No, I didn’t serve myself.”  One of the guests said, “Well, you were right behind me in line”.  Mom looked confused and I just changed the subject to the ingredients in a salad on her plate.

Later on while cleaning up the kitchen (something she still does a good job at) I asked her again if she tasted the ribs and she again said, “No, I didn’t serve myself”.   I just responded with, “oh, that’s too bad I will make hem again the next time you come for dinner”.

When an individual with a dementia, or illness that causes short term memory loss, makes an error, it isn’t recommend that you correct everything they say that isn’t actually true. When you are constantly correcting someone they start to feel bad about themselves and it actually affects self-esteem and could cause depression.

You do need to correct misinformation like the wrong day of an appointment, party or other date.  And
when you do this correction – do it lightly such as, “I know I can’t keep all these dates straight myself – let me put it on your calendar.  I’ll call you the night before so you have a little warning.”  However, you might also need to call the morning of the appointment as well.   Some family caregivers wait till the hour
before… choose a timing that works for you and your family member.

Who’s on First Base? Keeping up on Parent Care Providers…

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

…does your head spin trying to figure out who is visiting your parent after a hospitalization?   Does Dad tell you that a therapist visited but you had no idea he even needed one?  Does one therapist or nurse talk to the others about the needs of your parent?  And, oh yes, how about updating you on when they will discontinue services – do they tell you what the options to continue to make a complete recovery are?

“My-oh-my” my head is spinning trying to hold the ball in Mom’s care.  Mom had a stroke – her short term memory has been affected and I told her not to worry, that I would be her memory for short-term items like appointments or changes in medications.  Thank God her long-term memory is good and she is adjusting to her deficits better than I expected.

When I do talk to these caring and competent health care providers, they are on top of their skills and what they are doing with mom is appropriate but, if I don’t call them, I am left out of the communications.  Then there is a possibility that another nurse or therapist filled in on the last visit and they have not talked with one another or looked at their laptop to see what is being forecasted. 

As family members, my suggestion is to call each therapist or nurse who visits prior to services and, if possible, ask that they call you after each visit.  In my case, they have all three of my phone numbers and I will return calls immediately if I am not in a meeting or session with a client.

Mom is on a blood thinner so she doesn’t have another stroke and, now in the beginning of this therapy, we need frequent blood draws and changes in medications.  Was her blood drawn last week?  Was her medication changed?  What was her pro-time (blood thinning number that should be in a therapeutic range)?   All questions family advocates and/or Professional Geriatric Care Managers need to know in order to stay on top of preventing another stroke or a “bleed”.   This is a very important process to follow and truly not that hard if those who do these activities communicate clearly to the client, family or provider of care.

I guess this is just another lesson that the key to good health care is “communication, communication and communication”.

Ask questions and expect to be updated frequently.

The Family Circus II: Walking the Tightrope of Elder Care

The Family Circus II:  “Walking the Tightrope of Elder Care

Community Seminar at St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church
1601 Mary Drive, Pleasant Hill, CA  – Invite your friends & neighbors!

Saturday, October 15, 2011 | 8:30 – 3:00 – no charge, refreshments provided.

RSVP:  Eldercare Services 925 937-2018 or Info@EldercareAnswers.com.

Why Attend?  Watch the Video!  Click Here.

In order to…

  • Become aware of entitlements and benefits that will help pay for long term care.  What legal tools do you need?
  • Become prepared to be a family caregiver with information that will save you time, stress and resources.
  • Learn what Alzheimer’s is and isn’t and what can be done.
  • Gain tools to help with challenging behaviors, resistance and family discord.
  • Find answers to emotional dilemmas that caregiving presents.

Don’t lose time away from work or extended family – become an empowered family.

This is a day of lectures and breakout sessions presented by professionals focused on positive Aging.  We will have an Elder Law Attorney, Certified Geriatric Care Managers, Physicians, Nurse Practitioner and Licensed Family Therapists, who are all local and experienced in working with families present their knowledge to empower you.  This knowledge will allow you to find a balance and affirm your need for self-care as well.

Local providers of support to Elders and their families are sponsoring this event and will be available to answer your questions prior to the sessions starting and during our breaks.

It takes village to provide good care and we live in a supportive community.

Caregiving Statistics

Caregiving increases with age: 78% of all caregiving is provided by the family (mostly spouse or adult child). The average age of a caregiver who is caring for someone over 50 is 63.  The average length of caregiving is 10 years.

Please contact Info@EldercareAnswers.com for a full program.


Visit The Family Circus Elite Sponsors’ websites:

The Chateaus of Pleasant Hill | Ridgecrest Pharmacy | Aegis of Pleasant Hill | Eldercare Services

Gray Matters: The Challenges of an Aging Society

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

On June 2, 2011, Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC, along with other experts on aging presented at the Walnut Creek Library in Walnut Creek, CA as part of the Library Foundation’s Live! 

Linda’s discussion includes the importance of communicating your values to your family and geriatric professionals to ensure you always live life your way, no matter what the circumstance. 

To view the presentation, please click here.