Do you allow Mom to smoke, despite her dementia and living alone in a senior apartment complex? Do you respect your Dad’s right and autonomy despite his 90+ years of life? With poor vision and beginning forgetfulness, do you allow him to drive across the state to see an old friend who is ill?
Adult children of aging parents face many challenges when concerns of safety conflict with the elder’s choices that relate to independence. At other times, adult children face “resistance” to their well meaning rationalization to the elder family member on why a different choice should be made.
In the first story above, the daughter decided, after attending a support group for adults of aging parents, to tell the property manager who then gave the mother an eviction notice. Daughter colluded with mother and helped her find an assisted living facility that would manage the smoking and the cigarettes as part of the “rules or laws” of that new community. Mother adjusted and daughter wasn’t the bad guy; the apartment manager was. Mom didn’t know it was her daughter who brought this danger to the attention of the manager.
In the second story the son decided to take some time off work and told Dad he would love to drive with him and in fact they could take the son’s newer car (knowing Dad would not want to drive it).
In both stories, dignity and respect were honored and the bad choice was made manageable and without unnecessary drama.
These are examples of some creative family problem solving that respected the elder’s desires and kept them out of harms way. It is not always easy to do this. If you are facing one such dilemma, you might want to attend a support group for adults concerned about aging parents or schedule a consultation to talk with a professional Geriatric Care Manager who can help you with specific, creative interventions.