Over the past 27 years, I have worked with many families, professionals and peers around the idea of “role reversal and the thought of parenting your parent.” I have opposed that notion saying frequently that you can’t reverse your role with your mom or dad, no matter what the dependency, they are still your parent and you are an adult child (not a child).
However, my mother said to me this week that she told the ladies in her club that her daughter was her new “mother.” She said this with a smile and not in anger – in fact she thanked me for all I’m doing for her despite my career and family.
But, her comments have me thinking about how I might remind her to take her medications without being “bossy” or making her feel as if she can’t do anything on her own. I try to take turns with my brothers calling her in the evening to remind her to take her most important medications; blood thinners. Without them she is at risk for a stroke due to Atrial-fib, which recently caused some blood clots, thus the new medication.
I also took over setting up her medications after catching an error from the home health nurse and, if left up to Mom, I’m not sure she would take her medications more than once a day. I now travel an hour each way to set up these medications and I place the important bedtime ones in her bathroom where she has a ritual of pinning her hair and cleaning her teeth. A post-it note points to the 7 day medi-set that says take before bed.
My phone calls remind her, but she says, “I take my medications” – and yet when I filled them this week there were 3 days still left in the containers.
I love my mother and want to respect her autonomy, but her safety is now an issue. She is almost 89 years old and still drives and lives in a major city.
Now my weekly visits are exposing me to her increasing clutter and inability to organize her paperwork. I know she is failing, but I don’t like what I am seeing because it means I am going to have to intervene more to keep her safe. I don’t want to be her mother.
I have said to my clients that it isn’t you taking the control away, it is (name the illness). However, it sure feels like it is me.
Parent care is “tough love” and just about as hard as parenting a teenager. As tough as it is, I know what I feel is “grief” – losing her bit by bit to what looks to be a progressive dementia.
The only thing I can say is that I am glad my dad is gone and he doesn’t have to experience seeing the love of his life leave him part by part.
Keep saying “I love you” to all in your life – for the path is shorter than we can imagine. And, oh yes – we are right behind them!