by Michelle Eisenreich
Coming to terms with mortality can be a challenge at any age. For some reason we expect the elderly to be “ready” for it, or at least more ready than their children or younger generations. But the fact is, facing the prospect of the end of ones life is frightening at any age. So how do you talk to your aging family members about plans for when that time comes without insulting, hurting or frightening them?
Seek help! There are countless resources available including workshops, counselors, help lines and online sources. The National Caregivers Library is one example of an online resource which lists the following possible suggestions on approaching the end of life wishes of a loved one.
Tips for coming to terms with mortality:
- Do not push your loved one to talk about death. He or she will do so when ready.
- Do not let your feelings be hurt if your loved one chooses to discuss death with someone other than yourself. If this is the case, and you would like to discuss death with your loved one, let him/ her know that you are comfortable discussing the topic when he/ she is ready to talk to you.
- Always use language about death that everyone is comfortable using. Try not to avoid using the word, but feel free to use metaphors or softer words (e.g., passed away) in place of the word “death.”
- Do not rush the conversation. Make time for your loved one and realize that you might have to do so on a flexible schedule—predicting when someone will feel comfortable discussing death is often difficult.
- Do not discredit any emotions about death that you or your loved one are feeling. Be sure to acknowledge that these may be influencing what you say or how you behave. This will help your loved one to understand.
- If a loved one brings the topic up and it scares you, do not shut the individual down by saying something like “don’t say that.” Instead, even if you aren’t ready to talk about it, let your loved one discuss his/ her feelings. Keep the conversation going by saying things like “really?” or by rephrasing what he or she has already said.
- If you are ready to discuss death, talk naturally about what things will be like when the individual is no longer present. Ask if there are any special wishes that your loved one has with respect to future events that they will miss (e.g., Dad is there someone who you would like to designate as the “turkey cutter” next Thanksgiving?)
- Finally, talk about your loved one’s current condition and his/her hopes or fears for the future. If there is a ways to gain information that would lessen your loved one’s fears, you should do so (e.g., asking your loved one’s doctor about what options are available if the pain gets worse).
As uncomfortable as the conversations may be, they are critical when urgent decisions are needed down the road. Professionals can help empower families by offering education, solutions and planning assistance. Making an end of life plan is important for coming to terms with mortality.
If you are facing this challenging step, start by checking out www.aginglifecare.org or calling Eldercare Services at 1-866-760-1808 for more information on how to get started.
Suggestions taken from: http://www.caregiverslibrary.org/caregivers-resources/grp-end-of-life-issues/talking-about-death-article.aspx
