Relationships

“I didn’t think my family would be an elder care family!”

Posted in adult children, Blog, Care Management, Relationships on May 3, 2013

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

I heard this statement from one of our long time employees and remembered my recent journey as a caregiver daughter. I thought, every family caring for an aging family member is an “Eldercare” family because we are all faced with challenges not expected with the expansive decisions from medical to housing. The other issue that warrants some intervention is that most of us have other family members that have different views on what should and shouldn’t be done for mom or dad and, without a third party who is objective, it is hard to come to a solution.

We also don’t always share the care equally which might place a burden on one family member either by default or choice.

Everyone starting on the “Eldercare” path would benefit from a consultation with a Professional Care Manager but most of us think we know everything our parents need and it seems that it’s not until there is a conflict or a crisis without a solution that we call in the experts – I think it is just human nature and don’t fault any of us.

However, as supportive of a family you think you have, being an Eldercare Family is the good news – I know my good caregiving journey was positive because of “expert” peers in the office. Getting advice, having a sounding board and supporting my siblings came from my fellow team members – I am glad I had a place to guide me because I was blinded by my own history and needed the wisdom of objectivity.

Aging Families: Dilemmas, Concerns and Solutions

Posted in adult children, Age Related Issues, Alzheimer's, Blog, Care Management, Caregiving, Dementia and Memory Loss, home care, Relationships on April 19, 2013

Working adults in the “autumn” of their careers find that they are juggling work and aging family dilemmas — causing loss of pay or employer dissatisfaction with their performance or absence. Baby Boomers facing retirement also face the realities of still having to care for parents or other older relatives — this “care” duty can detour their dreams of the envisioned “retirement”.

Linda will talk about major issues facing families locally or at a distance. She will give Rotarians a list of resources to help them navigate the maze of resources available in order to find help that will respect the dignity of the elder and bring peace to the adult child. Linda will also talk about the realities of living longer lives and statistics that will affect all of us as we age.

Linda Fodrini-Johnson is a Licensed Family Therapist and a certified, Professional Care Manager. She founded Eldercare Services in 1989 — the first full service Geriatric Care Management and Home Care company in the East Bay. She has been guiding, coaching and counseling families in the Bay Area for 30 years. Linda is the recent past President of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers (NAPGCM).

The Elephant in the Room – Difficult Talks We All Should Have

Posted in adult children, Age Related Issues, Blog, Care Management, Caregiving, Dementia and Memory Loss, End of Life, home care, Mental Health, Moving an Aging Adult, Relationships on April 19, 2013

Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC, Founder and Executive Director of Eldercare Services discusses and give solutions on effective communication with family members about the issues of aging.

These issues might be:

Who would make medical decisions for you? And, do they know your wishes?
Remarriage
Memory loss — possible dementia
Forgiveness — Needing it and granting it
Moving
Can someone take over your financial affairs?
How do I face not driving?
Who inherits what of my possessions and assets?

Mom is Gone

Posted in adult children, Age Related Issues, Blog, Care Management, Caregiving, Dementia and Memory Loss, End of Life, Relationships on January 31, 2013

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

You know the time will come. You have been through many big and small health care dilemmas. You have prepared for her final care and found caring and loving people to be with her. You wish you could have done more but know you did your best with the information and support of professionals and family. Yet, when the time comes, it still hits your heart and soul like having the wind knocked out of you.

“This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24. I can’t tell you why this scripture rings in me when I feel so much loss. But, it is a glorious sunny January day and though it began with her leaving, I think this Psalm is mom telling me, “I am at peace, dear family. Be glad in your life, rejoice with one another for I will always be part of each of you.” “Smile, joke, be positive and find the bright light in every day.”

We have been gifted by a mother who lit the way and guided each of her four children to be themselves, honor family, honor God and care for others. She has imprinted her hand on the hearts of us all.

So, the Academy Award and the Nobel Peace Medal for “Wonderful Mother” goes to Bernice Bidwell born on April 8, 1922 in San Francisco and died at peace, on January 30, 2013 in Walnut Creek.

Diagnosed with a Progressive Illness – Now What?

Posted in Blog, Care Management, Caregiving, Relationships on January 11, 2013

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

I had the honor of speaking to a group of individuals with Parkinson’s, as well as those who are caring for someone with this disease, this past week and I came away thinking about how much support these families need immediately after the diagnosis.

It is only natural to let emotions flood our mind when we get such news and it makes it hard for the patient or the care partner to truly take in what the physician is trying to tell us about the next step. We are somewhat “blown away” and either we are feeling great fear, we are in denial or thinking about the dreams we had for our lives.

And yes, there needs to be hope for a new treatment or a cure (if available).

Once this news sets in, we seem to go to a place of – what do I do next? And, what should we do to plan for our future.

This is the time I would encourage all individuals with a progressive illness diagnosis to meet with a Professional Geriatric Care Manager, even if they are not yet seniors. To look at options that will meet their needs and keep their values at the center of all planning. From this initial meeting, individuals will be well-informed when they meet with their financial planners, insurance professionals and estate planning attorneys – because now they will know what they want and the cost of those options.

There are many proactive lifestyle changes individuals and the partners can make to live life fully once they have done their planning for the “what ifs” of an unknown future.

All along this journey, both the individual with the illness and their care partner will need emotional support – so, find a support group early in the process. Support groups are wonderful settings to share how new treatments or approaches are working and will give us all hope and most of all “understanding”.

“Taking Me Home?” Redirecting the Conversation

Posted in adult children, Blog, Caregiving, Dementia and Memory Loss, Moving an Aging Adult, Relationships on January 9, 2013

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Many individuals, with different forms of dementia, ask from time to time or sometimes on every visit, “Are you taking me home now?”

My advice has been most of the time to these family members to say, “When the doctor says you can leave” or “When the plumbing at your house is fixed”. And then I suggest using distraction to redirect the individual from being fixated on the thoughts of home.

As family members, we need to remember that our loved one with a dementia associates us with whatever that memory of “home” is and however hard it may be, we need to answer quickly and simply – and then use redirection.

My mother is doing so much better but since she has moved into her small residential care home she has asked me on the last three visits, “Have you come to take me home?” Interesting, she even whispered this to me the last time so as not to let the care workers or the other residents know what she was asking. I am able to say, “When you no longer need the oxygen”. And, in the moment, she understands and we just chat about recipes or gardening – me asking her advice – which gives me a reason to “thank her” instead of her always thanking me for my visit.

The dance of “elder care” has it smiles, grief, tears and is full of creative opportunities to protect dignity.

Mothers’ Gifts for all Seasons

Posted in adult children, Age Related Issues, Blog, Care Management, Caregiving, Dementia and Memory Loss, Holidays, Relationships on December 21, 2012

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

I am posting this picture of my mother for all of you to know that the end of life can be filled with dignity. Yes, she is in the very last phase of her life and on hospice but she has quality, despite her deficits.

Our mothers gave us life by birth or love and sometimes both. At this season of giving, I am so thankful for the gift of a loving mother who never put me down and always encouraged me to just do my best, to love God, country and family.

I am fortunate to have taken a professional path that enabled me to secure the very best at the end of life for my mother (and many of your parents as well). Seeing her smile lights my heart and will stay with me all the days of my life.

To paraphrase a line in a song, “fathers be good to your daughters, they will grow up to be mothers”. Love is what nurtures us all – love those close to you, respect them for who they are with all their imperfections – because we are all imperfect but love is not.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Taking Me Home?

Posted in adult children, Age Related Issues, Blog, Caregiving, Dementia and Memory Loss, End of Life, Moving an Aging Adult, Relationships on December 18, 2012

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

I moved my mother to a small residential care home that gives great care, at the same time I was scheduled to take a week’s vacation. When I returned six days later, I went to see how she was doing and the first thing she said, “How did you know I was here?” I explained I had picked out the home and she said it was a very good one (nice for me to hear).

She has vascular dementia so her short-term memory is impaired but she was very aware that she had not seen me in six days. We chatted for a few minutes with the other five residents before it was time to eat and then I accompanied her to the dinner table to continue chatting with her and all the residents.

As she finished her meal, she gave the caregiver a kiss and then a hug and thanked her for everything she had done for her and then turned to me and said, “Taking me home now?” Wow, I didn’t expect that. I said, “No, you need to stay here.” And she said, “What about my home?” Well, thinking she was talking about her home of 58 years I explained that her grandson was taking care of that house. She said, “No, the other house” and I responded with the name of the Assisted Living she had resided in for 18 months prior to two months in skilled care and she said, “Yes!”

I had to tell her we gave that up because we can’t pay for two places. She has always understood money and that was ok with her – while again telling me that this new home was a good home. I told her if she gets well, she could return to Assisted Living and she said, “Am I sick?”

Needless to say, I drove home in tears but, once I synthesized her comment, I was thinking how wonderful that she has no idea she is nearing the end of her life and that her sweet, tender heart is failing her.

Gracious, appreciative mom – I am privileged to be your daughter.

Life-giving and Integrity vs. Despair

Posted in adult children, Age Related Issues, Blog, Caregiving, Dementia and Memory Loss, End of Life, Relationships on December 11, 2012

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

What is “life-giving?” We are aware that in order to be a living creature, we all need air and substance (food and water) but the third and fourth elements will differ for each of us and, I believe, become more important as we age.

One is a belief in a higher power or a resolve in whatever one believes is the circle of life. This is inline with Erickson’s stages of life when he says, the last stage of development for us is to resolve the integrity vs. despair step. In simpler words, making peace with the whole of your life vs. longing for something that wasn’t or could never be for a myriad of reasons.

As I look at my mother’s life though, on Hospice, I see it was a simple life but she did accomplish that last Erickson task – and there is great integrity to the life she lived. I believe this is why she does not complain and is appreciative of every interaction – with “thanks” being expressed frequently.

The fourth element, which differs in each of us, is the environment we need to thrive. I mean both relational as well as the physical environments. I need times of complete quiet in my day. Days that are overfilled with “to-do’s” stress me and leave me anxious and actually interfere with sleep. However, I also long for the intimacy of spending quality time with my spouse, family and friends.

In my physical environment, I need nature but more specifically trees. And out of every window in my office and my home you can see trees. Why trees? I have no idea other than the fact that they are actually oxygen producing and stand tall during any weather. I also know that trees need to bend in order to be strong and over supporting them makes their trunk weak – just like people!

You each will need differing elements to be life-giving and, as you age, it will be important for you to keep that which gives your life meaning and importance in your everyday life.

Also when making decisions for others, remember to keep these four elements in the forefront and base your actions on what has been life-giving to this individual, not you – often they can be the same but, not necessarily.

85 Years Old and Love at First Sight

Posted in Blog, Relationships on November 30, 2012

Founder and Executive Director Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC

Last night, I watched a lovely short film, “Love at First Sight” on public television by ImageMakers. I was touched to the heart of my soul because this story is about someone who has significant memory loss living in an Assisted Living community who falls in love.

We all remember the adrenalin and that rush of positive emotions when we fall in love for the first or even second time. Falling in love is one of the human emotions with the most visceral of all feelings. You want to shout for joy, you can hardly eat and your thoughts are only of the other – you desire for nothing other than being with the object of this love.

This short film can’t be downloaded or purchased – but you can search your local channels to view. (If you subscribe to Comcast, you can watch it on On Demand.) It should be an educational film shown to every caregiver, both professional and family caregivers, of someone with a memory disorder.

The lesson is that when you don’t have a memory for a period of time due to a progressive disease, you can still be in the moment and what a joy to be able to re-live falling in love everyday. The gift in this movie is that the object of his love is able to be in the moment and enjoy the feelings of falling in love with her spouse everyday. She doesn’t correct him, she just lavishes in the moments with him. You know her heart longs for what was lost, but she doesn’t let her grief interfere with her ability to enjoy the shear pleasure she sees in the man who is falling in love with her over and over again!